Well here I am folks, on the other side of morning sickness, and I’ll tell you what! It feels AMAZING! Sorry for the extremely long hiatus, but I just didn’t have it in me to do, well, much of anything really.
It’s been about a week that I’ve felt more energized and more like myself again. Food is starting to taste better, and I can finally accomplish more than one task at a time without wanting to immediately run back to the couch to lay down. One of the biggest changes is that I’m smiling more which feels really good!
I’ve been so pumped about this change in my pregnancy because…you guys…IT’S BEEN ROUGH.
I’ve never, ever had “morning” sickness quite like this before. I remember my pregnancies with Lucy and Eli being not very fun, but this was a whole different ballgame. This time around, the sickness basically knocked me on my butt, plastered me to the couch, leaving me feeling like a terrible and worthless momma and wife. For what felt like an eternity, I was overly exhausted, extremely nauseated, and sickened by even the thought of food. I couldn’t cook, clean, or do laundry—at least not at the pace I’m used to. Any strong smell would have me running to the bathroom. Though my kids were pretty much getting used to fending for themselves, this weakened pathetic state of mine was not something I was ever going to get used to. Though I knew/hoped/prayed there was an end in sight when I was feeling so low at six weeks, the thought of trying to just reach my second trimester in hopes that things would change was not exactly uplifting. When you’re in it, seven more weeks is a long time.
One of the biggest battles for me was the daily onslaught of negative thoughts I was having about myself. I felt totally worthless! I mean, the concept for why I was feeling so rotten wasn’t lost on me—I knew it was because life was growing within me–but the fact that I didn’t feel anything like myself was a hard pill to swallow. It’s so hard to feel like you have limits; especially limits that make you sick to your stomach.
I hated not being able to fulfill all the things I do on a daily basis for my family. I hated not being able to cook my family a good dinner, pay any sort of loving attention to my kids, or be anything more than a bump on a log. On top of it all I hated not being able to feel tons of excitement over the baby. We were so happy when we found out we were pregnant, then my feelings quickly faded when I figured out how hard the next month and a half was going to be.
The worst part of it all, though, was having to accept the reality that God was allowing me to suffer for this little period of time. I pleaded and bargained a lot with him, but to no avail. (Go figure.)
I. Just. Wanted. To feel like myself again.
But all things change with time, right?
Here I am on the other side of it, feeling much better and it feels great!
Looking back on it now, it almost feels laughable at how very hard it all seemed to be. Now that I am finally through the worst of it, it kind of just feels like a blip on the radar. I almost wish I could go back in time to tell myself, “Suck it up, buttercup! You’ll get through it!”
However, I think part of God’s plan for our lives is allowing us to endure moments of great difficulty. I don’t think it’s meant to torment us or make us feel despair, but quite the contrary. Going through the ups and downs and questions of why things have to be a certain way is a big part of the life of faith. If we can endure suffering and not lose sight of him or of our purpose through it all, then our hope in God and love for him and for others will be strengthened.
Any time I’ve had to endure hard periods of suffering as a parent, I’ve only learned and grown a lot from it all. We were actively trying for this third baby of ours, and the sickness was a reminder to me of what parenthood is all about. It’s not always perfect, and sometimes there are more frustrating times in a week than happy times–but through it all, there’s a whole lot of love. I think my sickness was an opportunity for me to further understand that love is not without self-sacrifice.
Now that I’m out of the awful first trimester and a half, I can look forward with eyes of hope to the moment I hold our baby in my arms!
We’re due with Baby Mont numero tres on 4/20. (We’re hoping we miss our due date, if you know what I’m sayin’.)